


Snow Would Be the Easy Way Out

by lowbudgetcyborg



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Multi, hints at the possibility of non-con, no actual non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 08:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowbudgetcyborg/pseuds/lowbudgetcyborg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve pretends he is fine, until a simple team bonding activity brings up one of his earliest traumas. Fortunately the people around him know him better than he thinks they do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snow Would Be the Easy Way Out

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this Avengerkink prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/13316.html?thread=30520324#t30520324):
> 
>  
> 
> _Team!fic or Steve/Any, Phobias, PTSD_
> 
>  
> 
> _I've noticed a trend here: fills dealing with a certain character's issues after a traumatic event, focusing primarily on Tony (Ten Rings debacle) and Clint (Coulson's death)._
> 
>  
> 
> _Now, as lovely as these fills are, I really want to see something involving Steve. There's reason to believe he's got numerous phobias, such as asphyxiation (due to his asthma), heights (Bucky's death), planes (his "death"), abandonment issues (everyone he ever loved has died), the cold, ice or water, and not to mention the most obvious, PTSD._
> 
>  
> 
> _But he's Captain America, he has to be the collected one, the leader, the perfect one. (Self-esteem issues due to scrawniness, anyone?)_
> 
>  
> 
> _So, a 5+1 fic with Steve having to conceal or deal with one of his various issues, and one time that he didn't have to._
> 
>  
> 
> _Give me ALL THE ANGST AND/OR HURT/COMFORT!_
> 
>  
> 
> _Bonuses:_
> 
>  
> 
> _Clint is the "any," if there's a pairing._
> 
>  
> 
> _Past Steve/Bucky._
> 
>  
> 
> This is in no way a 5+1, but I did put in Steve angst and trauma, and I tried to put in past Bucky/Steve (though you may need your slash goggles) and pre Clint/Steve (though it's really way more like pre Clint/Natasha/Steve). I'm sorry; I like fictional threesomes.
> 
> I don't have a beta reader so any constructive criticism is appreciated.

"We sit down  
in the smell of the past  
and rise in a light  
that is already leaving."

"November for Beginners," Rita Dove

It had been one of those gross missions where everyone just hit the shower stalls near the medbay on the "Avengers HQ" floor of the Tower, rather than track any gunk into their own apartments. When he emerged from the shower in a t-shirt and sweatpants Tony was already out, half dressed, and sharing a kiss with Pepper. Steve could hear Bruce's and Thor's showers still running, and Thor humming some battle ballad just a little louder than the water. Clint and Natasha were sharing a shower, as they often did.

It had seemed a little... forward... to him at first, but after one unexpected battle that he, Clint, and Thor had fought in their civilian clothes Clint had just casually strolled into his shower and helped him wash out all the dirt and gravel that had become embedded in his skin. He remembered Bucky washing blood and dirt off of him, both in Brooklyn and on the German front lines, and was glad for the quick flashes of pain that grounded him in the present as Clint worked. He understood then, all at once, that _this_ was what Clint and Natasha's showers were all about, and the awkwardness he felt about it had disappeared. 

Pepper smiled at him. "Tony says you're all more in need of professional cleaning services than medical attention."

Steve smiled back at her and tried to make it genuine. "Yeah, we were only covered in giant worm guts. It's our lucky day."

Natasha let out a quiet huff off laughter at that as she and Clint emerged from their shower. Her hair was water slicked straight against pale, makeup-less skin. Even in her high-tech fabric work-out pants and t-shirt she looked like some fey being, a legend said to drown the unwary. Clint looked well-scrubbed and homey in pajama bottoms and a tank top. Natasha leaned against a wall while Clint went to the hair dryers. He never let his hair stay wet, while Natasha seemed to avoid doing anything to her hair if she didn't have to go out. 

Tony and Pepper were talking to Bruce through the door of his shower stall, so Steve let himself watch how Clint closed his eyes and relaxed his shoulders under the stream of hot air. Natasha moved to stand by Steve, bumping her shoulder against his arm companionably. 

Bruce shuffled out of his shower wrapped in a flannel bathrobe at the same time Thor strode out of his with only a towel around his waist. Thor was usually the last one out of the shower after really messy fights. Steve (and Natasha and Tony) suspected that he spent a lot of time on his hair. 

"So!" Tony clapped his hands for attention. "Hot tubbing! I have one that will fit all of us, you only need to bring yourselves..."

"In swimsuits, please," Pepper interjected.

"Fine, swimsuits. I can work with that. Let's make this happen." 

"Tony," Bruce started to protest sleepily.

"Come on Grumpy Bear, fifteen minutes. Your muscles will thank you, then you can nap." 

"Ok, but it's your job to make sure I don't fall asleep in the water." Tony grinned and Pepper squeezed Bruce's shoulder. 

Steve hoped someone else would protest, or abstain, so this wouldn't be a Team Thing. He couldn't skip a Team Thing, but knew nothing good would come of being around everyone in their bathing suits. He also wasn't going to be the guy that said something against it. He was tired of people assuming that he was repressed or sheltered. Like there weren't bathing suits, or innuendo, or even sex in the 30's and 40's. Everyone else seemed to like the idea though. Thor immediately called Jane's tower lab to invite her and Darcy to join the party, and Natasha and Clint had one of their eyebrow conversations, which ended with both of them smiling.

Tony looked to Steve and Steve could just _see_ him lining up counter-arguments in his head. He nodded before Tony could even open his mouth. "Yeah, I'll get my shorts."

Steve's swimsuit was actually _less_ revealing than the ones he was used to from before the ice, a fact he was very glad of. These days he could give Johnny Weissmuller a run for his money, but he liked not putting everything (including some involuntary reactions) on display. After Project Rebirth it had taken him most of his USO tour to really feel like his new body was his instead of a machine his mind was hitching a ride in. The aftermath of waking up in the 21st century, realizing that strangers had thawed and washed and dressed him, had combed his hair, and tied his shoelaces, and _arranged_ him in a fake hospital room to watch him and lie to him-- well, that had shaken his sense of self-ownership more than he wanted to admit. So what if he liked controlling what other people could look at on him? It wasn't like that was the same as _hiding_ , not really.

Steve did his best to shake off those thoughts as he made his way to the greenhoused terrace where Tony kept his hot tub. He didn't want to get in a bad mood and inflict it on anyone else. That was neither nice nor professional. He and Tony were getting along pretty smoothly now, and the rest of the team seemed to like him from the start. He didn't want to mess that up. God knows the world wasn't full of people like Bucky, who would love him mouthy, stubborn, and sarcastic. He had to be on, well, not his _best_ behavior, thankfully, but good behavior.

Bruce, Pepper, and Tony were already in the tub when he got there; Darcy was there as well, though not in the water yet. Bruce and Pepper were both sitting with the water up to their chests, but Tony was sitting up a little higher, with the the water a few inches below his arc reactor. Steve's couldn't help but look at Tony's chest a little longer than was appropriate-- the boldness of it uncovered, the paradox of vulnerability and power, the contrast of scarred skin and smooth, perfectly engineered glass and metal. Tony noticed his looking, caught his gaze and offered a fierce, triumphant smile. "Hell yeah," that smile said, "I'm awesome, and I'm still alive." Steve knew that feeling, it came after asthma attacks, beatings, and battles: "Fuck you, I'm still here!" He smiled back, happy to see their mutual stubbornness as something they could relate over, rather than something that would just start arguments.

Tony looked pleased, and a little surprised. He swept his arm out in a brief welcoming gesture. "Steve! Come in, the water's fine." Steve lowered himself into the water, and they were both saved from having to make small talk by the arrival of Clint, Natasha, Thor, and Jane. 

Everyone took a moment to arrange themselves in the tub, and for a while it was much better than Steve had feared. Jane was sitting on Thor's lap, but it was pretty much the same as when they cuddled on movie nights, no-one's bathing suit was ridiculous, and Tony started talking to Jane about science, with occasional interjections from Bruce, instead of turning on his billionaire playboy act. Darcy, Natasha, and Pepper started a quiet, but animated, discussion of current events. Steve's composure was slightly tested when Clint hunkered down until the water was up to his chin and let out a small, satisfied groan as the heat sunk into his shoulders, but other than that it was no weirder or more intimate than going swimming. 

After about ten minutes Bruce climbed out, bundled himself into a fluffy terrycloth bathrobe, and stretched out on one of the lounge chairs. Jane moved next to Tony and called up a hologram display to illustrate whatever they were talking about. Thor began, under Natasha's direction, to carefully massage the sore spots in Clint's arms, shoulders, and back, and Darcy was giving Pepper a foot rub. Steve realized his heartbeat was a little faster than it should be. Not like he had been running, but like the moment just before a fight broke out. His breathing was a little faster too; he forced himself to concentrate on taking even, regular breaths. He had been looking absently in Pepper's direction for a while, and tried to give her a friendly smile, but the expression felt clumsy on his face. 

Steve frantically reviewed the last couple hours, trying to figure out what his brain was fucking him over for this time. It wasn't obvious like the time he tried to ride the el-train right before Christmas. It wasn't like that miserable fight on the beach in Newfoundland. He certainly hadn't passed out in one room and woken up in another. Shit! If it had stopped being at least _mostly_ predictable he didn't know what he was going to do. He squeezed his eyes shut and focused his attention on working his lungs, just like the bad days when he was a little kid. 

"Steve! Steve!" Darcy called his name urgently and tugged at his arms. "Up! Up! Time to get out of the water, Cap." She gripped his hand tightly as he climbed out of the tub, then led him toward a cluster of planters and benches a couple yards away. A cool draft of air surprised a deep gasp out of him; it broke the too-fast rhythm of his breath and made him shudder as he sucked in air. She held his hand as his breaths gradually slowed.

"You had asthma when you were a kid, right?" He nodded. "And this was before inhalers or nebulizers, so all your mom could do was put you in a steamy hot bath and hope you kept breathing." That wasn't a question but he nodded anyway. 

He remembered sitting in the tub all night while his mother tried to stay awake so she could keep replenishing the water with kettles from the stove. The water from the faucet just didn't get hot enough. Periodically, she would fall asleep for a while, only to jerk awake and stare at him. He would meet her gaze with what he hoped was a reassuring look and say "Still breathin' Ma." 

"How many times have you had a really hot bath when you weren't sick?"

"Uh... I take showers, mostly." He hadn't yet had a bath in the 21st century. 

"Yeah..." She gave him a wry, sympathetic smile. "I had bad lungs as a kid too, and the same thing happened to me the first time I went hot tubbing. The first couple times actually. The hot water speeds up your heart-rate, and scumbag brain takes over from there."

"Oh god, I thought I was going crazy there for a minute."

She gave his hand one last squeeze and let him go. "No, not going crazy."

He took a couple more slow, deep breaths, just to be sure he could. "Darcy, thanks for... thanks." 

"You're welcome Steve." She tilted her head towards the rest of the group, who were politely pretending to ignore their conversation. He nodded at her and they walked back to the hot tub. 

Only Thor was still in the tub. Jane sat on the deck behind him and braided small pieces of his hair. Darcy sat down back to back with Jane and leaned against the older women, confident in the strength of Jane's small frame to hold them both up for a while. Tony and Pepper were wrapped in their own fluffy robes and were sharing a lounge chair near Bruce. Clint and Natasha were both sitting on the deck with only their feet in the water and a little space between them. Clint gave him a raised-eyebrow look and patted the deck invitingly. Steve walked over to them and they scooted to either side, making a space for him to sit cross-legged with his knees brushing the warmth of both of their thighs. Natasha briefly touched his shoulder, nape, and the small of his back. Each small spot of warmth from her palm released a little more tension from his muscles. Clint just laid a reassuring hand on his forearm and gradually let his breaths fall into sync with Steve's.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: The hot tub scene was the bit in my head when I started, and then the beginning just kept getting longer. This is inspired by my own experience of having to identify and place the seemingly free-floating anxiety I felt the first time I took a hot bath as an adult after years of only showers.


End file.
